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Magic Mouse blues

OK. Here's the deal: I love my Magic Mouse. No, really… I do. Except as with any relationship, things are not always sunshine and lollies. Setting apart from issues with the lack of out-of-the-box middle click, I'll skip directly to the one issue that stands above all: The battery life. I realize that this doesn't affect all users but sure as fuck affects me. My mouse lasts approx. 4 days on one charge and because coincidence can be a real jerk sometimes, my battery usually runs out in worst moments imaginable.

This begs the question: should I continue to be in this love/hate relationship or should I look elsewhere? While keeping this in mind, there're is also the question of what to use in the meantime while the battery charges (it's okay, we agreed on seeing other people). After digging through my office, my eyes glazed upon something — a mouse that I've received as a promotional item in one of the hotels I've stayed in on my vacation in Egypt.


It could be because it's late Sunday afternoon, or it could be those beers I've had. Actually, it's probably both. Either way, I decided to take five minutes and write a quick review of this technologic marvel.

Now, before some of you (not you, but you) start jumping on me, here's a small disclaimer: This is meant as a joke. I'm obviously not seriously complaining about something that probably cost $2 to manufacture and what I've received as a promo gift.

With that of out of the way, let's have a closer look at this gem:

Oh yeah! Not only that this thing's got one light, that's right baby! It's got two!

Unlike your iPhone's headphones, this thing won't actually tangle around one of your balls when you accidentally leave it in your pocket. This cable is retractable.

Time for the iFixit-style teardown.

As it turns out, the middle button/wheel isn't actually connected to anything. It's just there to fuck with you. I can almost see the designer of this gadget laughing manically as you endlessly try to middle click.

Type: Optical Mini Mouse
Weight: approx. 20g.
Color: Available in any color as long as it's ugly beige.
Resolution: 1200dpi? 600dpi? 1dpi? Who the fuck knows?!

• Has that whole "I just got ran over by a garbage truck" look going for it.
• 2mm thick retractable cable comes handy when you happen to forget your dental floss or need to strangle somebody ninja style.
• Scroll wheel so loud it will easily cover up the sound of you farting. (Especially handy in the office space)


Believe it or not, those few hours I've spend with this mouse weren't as bad as I've originally expected. Sure, you won't find this mouse at your nearest Apple Store, or your average computer shop or even in places like Walmart. (When I come to think of it, where the hell can you actually BUY this thing anyway?). The point is: Things like this mouse don't pretend to be what they are clearly not and to be honest, part of me sort of likes that. Today's market is full of high-tech super complex devices and seeing something that simple and so back to basics is actually sort of nice. Even a bit retro cool, dare I say. So, with all that said, next time you plan your vacation in Egypt, make sure to stop at Marti Hotels & Marinas and tell them the "IconBakery" guy sent ya!

Now, where the hell are my batteries?